As mom always says the bonding between us, was more than a relationship we had..Did it start from the time I was in mom's womb? Don't know...never asked you about it.Mom is still jealous about this thing related to us,within 30 min of my birth I was in your arms, and had stopped crying immediately...is it that I felt safe in your arms so much....????? I don't know and U are not there to answer it....you always knew what I wanted even before I told you. Ex: food,cloths,toys, hunger, sadness, about studies or my dreams.......you were the best in knowing my mind wituout even telling it out..be it about my eating habit of eating dessert first (jamun) and than ordering main course,or watching my fav heroes movie beside you at theatres ,or drinking by 2 coffee with you at our fav janata hotel which we did together for almost 12 years as I remember... You were my hero ,my idol, I learnt being tough from you,ego ,stubborness is your hereditary gift to me..you passed over your temper to me lil by lil..probably this Ego, stubborness took you away from me...I hate myself for this and can never forgive myself.. Each time I got admitted at St Johns,I could see that anxiety on your face...but still you never let me down, and u made happy with you being beside me, you were an ANGEL in my life..messenger from GOD...Everybody says mom is an ANGEL..I agree with that but ANGEL NO 1 were you....with glucose bottle in one hand, you took me to chapel and thought me about God lord jesus and thought me to bow before him.You took me to the small book shop at he hospital, bought me coloring books, story books and colors These Colors you painted my life , it took away the sadness of hospital and made my life colorful even on the sick bed of hospital FORMALIN environment..You said colors always should make up happy and merry and not sad..Walks with you were the best ones.. walk time our talks about the property,and you and our Village, though not a thing entered my lil head except for nodding my lil head and stretching my arms to you, and asking you to carry me is what I always did..... Probably except me none had the guts to talk to you directly about anything or sleep on your lap and your shoulders... As a kid I first wished to be a teacher, seeing your struggles, I changed my mind to be a doctor, but whenever I played doctor doctor game with you being my patient and gave you an injection, the very next day ,you were falling sick,I never wanted to see you as an unhealthy person...I always wanted you to be my strength on whom I always lie down for.support be it your laps or on your shoulders...even after joining job , when I came home from late night shifts, seeing your welcome smile felt so good and felt like heaven on sleeping on your lap and discussing day to day activities.. You thought me to read write ,solve things intellectually, work in the field of literature and you became my critic..you thought me gardening,growing beautiful roses with thorns and coriander with mint..in the tiny space alotted to me...you always said I resemble your mom and many a times I have behaved like one when u were adamant about taking medicines and food...you were nice at times strict too..you liked simplicity, and you hated make over...so mychildhood days were away from cosmetics and others make up kits...you thought me stubborness and mom thought me to kneel..i was so confused but still I alwys love to be like you... Till last week, I always learnt from you to live and love life no matter how hard it may be.Sometimes I have been stupid but U were there beside me.I was never so much grief striken even when dears of mine went away like blacky, shilu, sandy etc.but the grief now is like a heavy stone placed on my heart.I have fought with you many times , I regret them equally ..but people around me now convince it was all for U itself coz I was scared of losing you..but I can never forgive myself for being rude in the last few days with you..probably my ego, stubborness, harsh words took you away from me..leaving me all alone in this world.... I am scared of the darkness of this world...I am scared of loneliness ..W were a complete man who loved me so much like no man can ever love me so much...i needed U and will need you forever.. ..in two days there is a ceremony to bid farewell to your journey to kailasa..I do not want to bid u farewell ...I need u in form or formless..its more than a week that I slept peacefully..I love u so much..I miss ur hug and esp ur lap, my resting place ur chest and shoulders.... Today we are done with 11th day rituals ,, in between I have secretly visited your grave thrice...but I cant get enough of you...I know you are around me .....Today I could see small bugs on your grave before the rituals started...They say there is no pain after death..But I just couldnt imagine the bugs digging into the deep soil where you are in meditating state and lil by lil digging into your skin..These thoughts for others might be exaggerated or might be am overthinking ..but I just cant stop myself from these thoughts....Dad please come back..I promise to be good..never harsh..Dad.... Each step, each walk with you was a walk to.remember..transforming the better me into best....u always strived hard to fulfill my wishlist until I grew up to fulfill my own.. Except.for few.things...like getting permissin from you tojoin school athlete team,NCC, and wish to ride bicyle..problem or I don't know what is that with you ..you were so over protective about me..you hated it when I fell down..when I hurt myself...or when mom beat me...u were so protective about that you carried me in your arms.after my operation when I was sixteen..that protective..even docs were convinced bout my recovery , after Feb 27th black day of my life..u were still scared...u guarded me each moment more than mom too...on my failures you have shed secret tears than me....I was you dream , and you were ready to fulfill my dreams at any cost....you knew my each small habit, each fears big or small...you read my mind......somehow we had our minds sing together....u were he best dad and one good thing of my life..u were negative for others but dearest to me..though I fought with you , U knew its for good...and U loved me.even more...i regret the last 15 days of your life..I am really sorry....sorry is very least but words is what I have hurt you with ...when U were adamant...if at all I had known ...love U dad....please be wth me.forever